Preparing For The End of Life
This is actually an old post I scheduled two days before my husband passed away.
“I know this is such a heavy topic. Few of us are comfortable talking about death, whether our own or a loved one’s. It is a scary, even taboo subject for many. Luckily, my husband and I are comfortable talking about it.
Actually, we can just talk about anything and we don’t have any secrets from each other. We are soul mates. I know it sounds corny. I was very surprised to realize many years ago that my soul mate did not look like what I imagined. First, he is not even a Chinese, didn’t even speak any Chinese, well, that is not entirely true. He can say beer in Chinese at least. 😉 He is not my generation, he is bald and overweight…
But soul mates are all about the souls, right? Nobody said the two people have to match perfectly when you look at them, well, maybe in movies. My friend called us “The Beauty and the Beast”. You can guess which was which! We don’t care what others had to say. We only knew the food tasted better when we are eating together. We have so much to talk about, even now after being married many years. He is the one usually being the smarty pants and makes me laugh, but once in a while, I am able to throw out a joke and make him laugh very hard too.
We call ourselves weirdos because we are just happy together, silly together no matter what. He lost almost 80 pounds due to his cancer. And we are joking all the time how different the view is now that he can see his toes. I have cried a lot lately because doctors are giving us the final days count down. First is maybe a year or two, then maybe less than a year, then less than half year, 3 months, and now maybe less than 8 weeks. I often cried so hard I almost choked, and suddenly he said something very funny, I was laughing so hard.
We have talked a lot about the end of life and he said he has no regret at all. We had such a good life and good time together, of course we can use a lot more time but it is out of our control. We have traveled around the world, tasted many yummy or strange foods, created countless joyful moments. Our relationship and love are so rare and pure that we are so lucky we can find each other in this lifetime.
I lost my dad to cancer when I was in my high school. I totally shut down for 3 days without saying a single word or crying because I was so shocked and angry. I was like a zombie and my friends were so worried. Many people had tried many ways to take care of me and give me comfort. I do not know what will happen this time. It is a lot harder than losing my dad. My man is not just my husband, he is also my best friend, and a father figure. So I will lose 3 people at the same time.
I know it doesn’t matter how much we talk about or prepare, when it happens, my heart and world will be shattered.”
Now I know, it really doesn’t matter how much we prepared. It is never enough. I didn’t shut down this time, instead I let people in to my life. Losing my husband is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. But the positive part is, it also brought our family more closer together than ever.
All videos and photos if not credited otherwise, are by Robert Buck and Grace Liang.
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