Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark
If you have read the ABOUT ME on my blog, you may know that I was born and raised in China, and I struggled with poverty and family abuse for many years. I wanted a home so bad when I was younger, but I never really had one to go back to or get support from. I had many super lonely and insecure years when I was in my 20s. It wasn’t until I married my late husband that I slowly experienced what a home is. His unconditional love helped me finally feel safe, relaxed and happy.
My Dad was the only one who cared about me a little bit when I was young. It was two months before my high school graduation that my dad passed away. I was in a boarding school so we were only allowed to go home once a month. The last year of his life I barely spent any time with him. I didn’t even get a chance to see him when he passed away. When I got home, he was already in the coffin. I often dreamt about him. He always walked away and I would chase him, asking him why he didn’t go home anymore… but he just kept walking away and I was crying when I woke up.
After I met my man, no matter how deep he was sleeping, he always came to me and held me in his arms while patting me on my back. After my husband passed away I would often have dreams with him. Several days before the 6 month mark of my husband’s death, I dreamed of him again. He had come to my dreams a few times and it always had been quite light hearted. We were even still joking in my dreams and I smiled and then woke up. This time it was a real difficult one. In my dream he was dying. At the last moment, I was holding his hand and he used his last breath to mumble “I love you”. I woke up with tears all over my face. It was about 2 am and I just sat in my bed crying and crying. This time, he was not here to hold me, instead, he was the one who made me cry.
The next day, I texted my best friend and told her that I should not be alone on the 6 month mark. She replied “I am here for you and that day is yours”. So this past Tuesday we went for some shopping therapy, had a nice dinner and spent some lovely time on her back patio with a fire and wine. Of course I cried again, but most of the time I was grateful. That morning when I opened the windows at home, the air was very crisp, my garden was full of flowers, and the sky was so blue. I just spoke aloud “Thank you man, for giving me this beautiful home.”
My heart had never found a home until I met my man. I always believed that home is where he is. But now I suddenly realized, I can be my own home. I told him many times before he passed away that there was no way I could live without him. Now, a half year later I am still living, pretty well, without him. It is not because I have moved on. No, I just moved forward. He had planted the seed of life. The last 10 years somehow he had trained me well with the abilities to just simply enjoy being alive.
Photos credited: Grace Liang/@aprilwashereblog
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