Life After Loss Never Let It Go
I had several quite difficult days recently. I was very blue and feeling very down. I always try to give every creature that I encounter a smile, but when I was so drained, I felt like I was covered by dark clouds. When I saw myself in the mirror of my car, I couldn’t believe my own eyes. I looked so tired, sad and my eyes had no light in them at all. I knew I needed to save myself, again.
It all started right before the 6 month mark of my husbands passing. I had a painful dream where he was dying, again. Somehow, all the details of that dream made it feel like he went through reincarnation and came back to hurt me again. I know it sounds very silly, but I felt he left me again. One side of me is very selfish and I hope his spirit will stay with me forever. But on another hand, the reasonable me understands that he needs to move on too.
Most of the time, the logical side of me controls my emotions. I know my man has really gone and I need to learn to not lean on him anymore, not even his spirit. So, I tried to cut myself off from him. I stopped talking to him and stopped thinking of him. This didn’t go very well, I just felt like I was drowning in a pool of sadness, deeper and deeper everyday. Then one day, I read a letter from his co-worker telling me how much my husband had influenced them and how much they miss him. That was a super sunny evening, my garden was very beautiful and my pool was super blue, but I was just sitting on the ground, holding that letter and wailing.
Later, I put my head on the box of his ashes, sobbing. I didn’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I miss him SOOOO much! I still can see him sitting on the couch, smiling at me. He had never seen me cry like this before. I never even knew I could cry like this either. He probably felt very bad because he hated making me cry. All he wanted was to make me happy.
Suddenly I realized, all my sadness was because I tried to let him go.
I went to the painting of him hanging in our dinning room and started talking to him, again. It instantly felt so much better. In the end, I made a deal with him. I will let go of the sorrow of losing him, but hold onto the love we shared. How silly was I to think he just left me again? I should know he would choose to live with me if he could, even if he is a ghost. He did exactly like the song says, “I’m gonna love you till my lungs give out. I promise till death we part like in our vows”
Now I know, I will never let our beautiful love go. Even the death can’t make us part because he will be always in my heart.
Photos credited: Grace Liang/@yasballo
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