Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions
I have not been this emotional and crying non-stop for hours for quite a while. Maybe because I have been very steady, happy and calm, I thought I was doing pretty well with my grieving journey. Till now. I started the process of cleaning out my late husband’s stuff, and I broke down over and over again.
If you have been following me for some time, you probably already know that I like to push through my emotions. It is fast approaching the one year anniversary of my late husbands death. I set my goal to move forward even more by removing him visually from my life. The reason is that I have been relying on him too much. I smile at his photos everyday, talk to his ashes very often, and I hold his stuff. Our house has been the same since he passed away last January. I figured it is time to push myself harder and jump up to achieve a higher level of grieving.
I started with our bedroom, in the beginning I was fine. Then slowly, the sadness crept in. When I am blue, I like to put on my headphones and let music accompany me. I was going through drawer after drawer, the music somehow was all about lost love. My tears were all over my face but I kept moving through. I am strong, I can do it! I kept telling myself.
When I took out his sleeping clothes from his nightstand, I cried so much I almost couldn’t breath. Then I saw myself in the mirror, unconsciously holding his sleeping clothing tightly to my chest. My goal was to clean up everything in order to not hold on to him, but I was heart broken when I tried to put the sleeping clothes into the trash bag. Then suddenly the music caught my attention “Don’t let me go, don’t let me go”. I was kneeling on the floor and wailing. At the end, I broke my rules and kept his sleeping clothes, also his eye glasses. Yes, I am a fool by saying I am ready to move on. Now I know, I am only partly ready. It is hard to admit my failure of judgment on where I am emotionally. But I am glad that I realized, admitted and accepted.
So now, all I need to do is adjust my goals and directions. Before this realization, I thought in 2018 I may establish a new relationship because I have been doing so well. Now I know, I really need to slow down, maybe I am just not there yet since I had such a hard time cleaning up my man’s stuff. For the most part, I am doing very well. But when it comes to letting others into my life, it seems I have some issues. Now I know, on this grieving road I have to completely finish it all by myself. There is no short cut, others company only interferes with the process and causes me more depression. I can’t tell you how long it will take me to get there. But I will listen to my heart and keep pushing through. I am still planning to find my true love again someday. But I need to give full closure of this one with my man first.
Photo credit: Grace Liang/Ashley Buck
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