How are you? What does it feel like living in heaven? Or you already finished your reincarnation and on the way to us? Please give me some signs so I can find you.
A few weeks ago at a gathering event, someone asked me, “If you could have any super powers, what would you like to have”. I said “To have the power to bring back my late husband.” It was suddenly deadly quiet. I know, I am still the same old same as a party pooper.
One year ago yesterday, you left us. There were some memories on the last few days of your life, they were just too painful to think about, but I set my goal to revisit them now. Wish me luck, man.
We were sent to the hospice a few days before you passed away. It was the most devastated moment of my life. There were no treatments, and no hopes left for us. Only death was awaiting. I was shocking, shaking and angry. When we left your patient room, I couldn’t help crying crazily. That hallway to the hospice was the path to your death. Someone, or something was really going to take you away from me, forever, no matter how much I have begged. You were my best friend and my soul mate, how could I live without you?
I was holding your hand and crying, you just smiled at me weakly and repeated “I am so sorry, I am so so sorry”. I knew what you meant. You had said it a few times before that day. You felt so bad that you took me here from China and now you could not be able to take care of me anymore. You often said I was cheated because we only got 10 years together.
The night before you fully entered your coma stage, I was with you. You were rarely opening your eyes, speaking or answering any questions. It was almost midnight and I was ready to go to sleep too. I kissed you on your lips and said “Good night!” Your eyes didn’t even open but you answered “Good night, baby!” Then I said “I love you”, just like we always did before we go to sleep. But there were no answer. “Hey, I said I love you, man!” I continued. You opened your eyes and smiled at me “I love you too.” And those were your final words.
Then, it was the last day. All the families came but you already had no response at all. You were on your way of leaving us behind. Nurses came in and asked everyone to the waiting room so they could wash your body and change the sheets. I asked the nurse to give me a few minutes and asked others to just leave us alone. I was holding your hand and kissed on your lips. Then I whispered to your ear, “Don’t worry about me. I will take care of myself. If you need to leave, just leave. I am not mad at you and I love you so ,so much! You are the best husband and I am very lucky that married you!” There were no responds but I noticed your breathing was slowing down. I was not sure at that moment if I saw it right. I stepped out and only a couple of minutes later nurse called me in and the doctor confirmed that you were gone.
I thought I was fully prepared about your death. But when that moment came, I just lost it. The only thing I said was “Man, how can you do this do me?” Sorry man, I should be more strong and let you leave without any hesitation.
It has been a year after you were gone, and yes, I am living without you. Just like you often said, “You are a very strong person and you will be just fine.” I couldn’t use fine to describe this first year without you, but I have followed through my promise to you to take care of myself. I went to see psychologist when I need help. I eat, sleep well and I am still following my fashion dreams as you wished. I even quit my teaching job and now full-time blogging.
Before, it was always you to remind me how much I have achieved when I was doubting myself. Now finally I learned to tell myself the same. You often said there was no regret of your life because you have nice kids, loved what you do, traveled around the world and married me. Now I feel I could say the same if someday when I die. I am not afraid of death anymore. If I die, I will see you and that is a good news. If I live, I would live like I mean it and enjoy every moment. You see, there are no downsides for me. 😉
Man, thank you so much for showing me what true love looked like and how to really live. You and our marriage have shaped me to who I am today. I noticed your influence on the way of how I think and how I act. I see you in my heart, I heard you when I talk and I smile when I think about you.
Good-bye man. Love you forever!
Photo credit: Grace Liang/Ashley Buck
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