Life After Loss Finding Meaning And Hope To Live Alone
I am feeling very crappy at this moment due to a cold. It makes it more difficult to stay upbeat, but I am trying to fight back. My goal is no matter how the physical world changes around me, my inner emotional and spiritual world stays calm and happy.
It has been almost 8 months since my man passed away. The first few months I was just trying to survive. Then I was in shock. What just happened? Is it real? Am I just in a nightmare now? Then it came to a point where I realized, oh, I am totally alone and no matter how long I cry, how loud I yell, or how much I beg, he is not coming back.
If I had a choice, I would love to die before him so I don’t have to suffer the endless pain after he is gone. If I had a choice, I would grow older with him, with the only person who I truly felt was my soul mate. But the fact is, what I wish would happen are not the options I can pick from. The only choice for me now is to choose how to live alone.
I had quite difficult early years, so I know how bad a persons life can be. I have also been very fortunate to spend the last 10 years with my man to live a normal but good life. After seeing both sides of life, and after going through both my dad and my husband passing away, I think I have found the meaning of my life. It is quite simple, just learn and practice to become the best of myself in this very short life time. I am navigating through the first year of grieving now, it is super hard but I enjoy victories every time I overcome some troubles alone in my life, or push myself out of my comfort zone to achieve a new level of self-confidence.
Living alone after being happily married 10 years is not easy. I constantly look for him, reach out to him and talk to him. Last week after my late evening meetings with parents at school, I was reaching to my phone to send a text to let him know that I am leaving. Of course my hand just froze before I touched my phone because there is no one waiting for me. Those moments are usually very hard and often bring tears to my eyes. I’ve slowly learned to become a full person again who takes full responsibility for my own life, and my own happiness.
My man taught me how to drive after I came to America. It was quite difficult and almost ended our marriage. 😉 But there is one thing always sticking in my mind – I was super nervous about driving and often ran outside of the lines on the road. He said “Look further, don’t always just look at what is close to you”. This trick sure helped me driving. I even find it is so true when it comes to dealing with life problems. When I am in my darkest times, I often tell myself, don’t just look at what is close to me, look further, there is still hope. After all the storms there will be rainbows, flowers, and all the beautiful dreams come true again. I don’t know when exactly it will happen, but I know I will make it happen eventually.
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Photo credit: Grace Liang/Ashley Buck
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