Category Archives: Life after Loss

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

I had several quite difficult days recently. I was very blue and feeling very down. I always try to give every creature that I encounter a smile, but when I was so drained, I felt like I was covered by dark clouds. When I saw myself in the mirror of my car, I couldn’t believe my own eyes. I looked so tired, sad and my eyes had no light in them at all. I knew I needed to save myself, again.

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

It all started right before the 6 month mark of my husbands passing. I had a painful dream where he was dying, again. Somehow, all the details of that dream made it feel like he went through reincarnation and came back to hurt me again. I know it sounds very silly, but I felt he left me again. One side of me is very selfish and I hope his spirit will stay with me forever. But on another hand, the reasonable me understands that he needs to move on too.

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

Most of the time, the logical side of me controls my emotions. I know my man has really gone and I need to learn to not lean on him anymore, not even his spirit. So, I tried to cut myself off from him. I stopped talking to him and stopped thinking of him. This didn’t go very well, I just felt like I was drowning in a pool of sadness, deeper and deeper everyday. Then one day, I read a letter from his co-worker telling me how much my husband had influenced them and how much they miss him. That was a super sunny evening, my garden was very beautiful and my pool was super blue, but I was just sitting on the ground, holding that letter and wailing.

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

Later, I put my head on the box of his ashes, sobbing. I didn’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I miss him SOOOO much! I still can see him sitting on the couch, smiling at me. He had never seen me cry like this before. I never even knew I could cry like this either. He probably felt very bad because he hated making me cry. All he wanted was to make me happy.

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

Suddenly I realized, all my sadness was because I tried to let him go.

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

I went to the painting of him hanging in our dinning room and started talking to him, again. It instantly felt so much better. In the end, I made a deal with him. I will let go of the sorrow of losing him, but hold onto the love we shared. How silly was I to think he just left me again? I should know he would choose to live with me if he could, even if he is a ghost. He did exactly like the song says, “I’m gonna love you till my lungs give out. I promise till death we part like in our vows”

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

Now I know, I will never let our beautiful love go. Even the death can’t make us part because he will be always in my heart.

Life After Loss Never Let It Go

You can read all Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here.

Photos credited: Grace Liang/@yasballo

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to get to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace

http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

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Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

I hated cooking for myself when I was young and alone in Shanghai. I didn’t know how to cook either. Seriously, I lived on carryouts and leftovers. Most of the days, I would only eat two meals and some days it would be only one. When my late husband and I were dating, he came to Shanghai to visit me. I was trying to show him that I could be a good wife. So I bought a bag of frozen meals at the supermarket and cooked for him. Don’t ask details, just let me tell you that was the end of my cooking career. 😉 My man was a great cook and he promised that he would cook for us. 😉

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

I tried cooking again after I moved to America to marry my man. It started about a week after I arrived, I was seriously thinking that I would end up starving to death. At that time, I REALLY didn’t like any American food. This forced me to cook Chinese food. I guess many years of eating at restaurants had helped me develop some cooking sense. Surprisingly, my cooking turned out to be quite good. I never even knew I had it in me. I guess when I cooked with love, everything turned out to be great.

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Cooking for us, for our family and friends, is some of the warmest memories the last 10 years. My late husband loved my Chinese cooking and he was very proud of me for becoming a great cook. When I first heard the saying “Cook up a storm” I was laughing so hard because that was totally my type of cooking. Usually after I cooked, our kitchen was a disaster… dirty pots and pans everywhere, the stove top covered with oil, spices and pieces of food. 😉 Hey, I said I cooked well, I said nothing about cleaning.

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

My man was the biggest fan of my cooking. I never follow any recipes and just cook whatever I can find in our house. He was often amazed by that. I loved watching him eating the food I cooked. His satified face and joyful eyes made me super happy. We often spent hours during dinner talking about our days, our thoughts or just some silly stories.

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

But now, I lost my best audience. The first 4 months after he passed away, I was living on carryouts and leftovers again. If you have never lived alone, you probably will not understand that feeding yourself may be a challenge. When it’s just you eating, there’s a greater tendency of not bothering to cook because it feels like it just isn’t worth it. Cooking for 30 to 45 minutes, eating for 30 minutes and then cleaning up for 15 minutes. That totals about one and a half hours! For that much time, I could write a blog post or reply to some emails.

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

That was the old me of thinking. If you have read my last post Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me you will know that I am all into living in the present and making every day a joyful experience. So eating 3 meals and eating healthy has become my top priority. Below are some of my recent cooked meals. I have tried many western recipes recently.

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Cooking for others, for your loved ones, is pure joy. Cooking for yourself, is where the true self-love begins.

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

Life After Loss Cooking For Myself

You can read all Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here.

Photos credited: Grace Liang/ @yasballo

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to get to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace

http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

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