Tag Archives: Life after Loss

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

Death is never an easy topic to discuss. Since my late husband had passed away, my major battle of going through this grieving process is trying to find out how death, or losing him can eventually make sense to me. In other words, I need to make peace with his death and totally accept it.

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

In the past two month, I had done a lot of soul searching by reading all kinds of articles, listening to speeches or watch short videos about human souls. To be honest with you, I had never given much thoughts to death and soul before my man died. But at this moment for me, after all the learning and thinking, death is not that mystery, or scary anymore. I view it would rather in a peaceful manner.

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

I believe soul is a form of pure energy, it will not die, neither disappears. It just transfers between in different forms. This human body we got is the vehicle of our soul for this life time. For this life time, it begins with birth and ends with death, but in a bigger picture, it is just like a perennial, comes back over and over. When I think about this way, it makes me feel better knowing my man was just left for a break and he will be back to continue his journey. But the sad part is, when he is back, it will be a different form, I am not sure if I can recognize him, or we will ever get a chance to encounter again. But overall, I am very grateful that I had shared this great true love with him and learned so much from him too. He was the most influential person in my life at this point. His physical body is gone, but his soul, partly living in mine. I used to call that thing he had as “Stupid Faith”. He always said “everything will work out.” I was like, “Did you see the situation? Are you being realistic?” But now, I inherited his Stupid Faith.

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

Then there was another question I need answer too. I had been through so much in my whole life to finally meet my soul-mate. We had 10 years of beautiful marriage and I finally know what the good life is. Then I lost him. What was this about? A punishment? An incident? A teaser? How can I not feel the anger and instead, find peace through this?? After months debate and searching, I think I found my answer. I met him and lost him, was a lesson. A lesson to let me experience what the unconditional love is, so I can continue to give it to myself and others. A lesson to open the door for me to empower myself, and others through my journey. A lesson to figure out my life purpose and push me stepping out of my comfort zone, taking risk and chasing my wild dreams.

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

Am I happy with this course design? Absolutely not! I would rather to learn those lessons through other life events. But I guess I don’t have the power to decide. The only power I have, is to decide how I THINK, or how I see it. I know I am not done with my grieving journey yet, but I can feel I have figured out some most important answers at this moment. I start to feel my heart is not that heavy anymore.

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

You can read all the Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here.

Life After Loss || How I Understand Death At This Moment

Photo credit: Grace Liang/@thepaperdresscode

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace
http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

A few months ago when I went to see my psychologist, I asked him a question: “When I will be normal again?” He slowly answered, “Your life will never be the same, you will develop your new normal.” I didn’t fully understand what he meant until recently. I didn’t even know my mood swings could be so dramatic. One minute I was laughing and feeling like life is so good, and then the next minute I was crying like a baby and didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t really like myself this way, but it seemed like I would stay that way for a while, maybe a long time.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

You may recall that I finally figured out my life purpose and I also came up with my plan to reach these humongous goals. Recently I finally started developing my public speaking material as a part of the plan. Boy, I didn’t realize going back through my whole life and looking at those memories could be so tough, especially those hard ones. I spent the entire day Mother’s Day working on my outlines for a PowerPoint. After it was all done, I was so drained and emotional. I could feel the mixed emotions in my chest and I could barely handle it, so I went for a walk. The birds were chirping and there were so many trees blossoming. The evening sunbeam was gently shining on my eyes and I noticed that I had a big smile on my face. But suddenly, the tears came too. I was trying very hard to hold them back until I reached a little wooded area. Then I just sat in the middle of the woods and cried and cried. The feelings of being unwanted, abandoned and unloved from my mom when I was young came back to me again, then the pain of losing my father and my husband.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

After a while, I wiped my tears and walked back home. There was something beeping in my house. It was a smoke alarm in my kitchen on the tall ceiling. Great, how am I gonna climb that high to change the battery? With beeping every 60 seconds, there was no way that I could just leave it alone. Fine!!! I went to the garage and located the heavy duty ladder that my late husband used to love very much. I was trying to pick it up. Nope, it felt like it weighed more than me. I stuck my right shoulder under it and just managed to drag it to my kitchen without damaging anything. Then another problem appeared. How do I open it? This fancy ladder looks so complicated and I tried every way that I could think about, but it just stood in the middle of my kitchen, not opening for me. This was my last straw. I sat on my floor and cried for about half an hour. If my man was here, I never would have needed to worry about those stupid things!!

Life After Loss || The New Normal

Indeed it was a very small and stupid thing to have a mental breakdown about. But that day, my emotions just took over and built up step by step until I couldn’t control it anymore. It was like a hurricane that just wiped off all my confidence that I had built since my man passed away. That day, I really tasted how powerful the native part of grief can be; the anger, the pain, the hopelessness and depression.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

After I calmed down, I asked my neighbor to show me how to open the ladder and of course it turned out to be super easy. I went to work in my yard for a few hours to relax after that, but that night I couldn’t sleep at all. The next day I worked in my yard for a few more hours again and finally I got some sleep that night. Then there were more sleepless nights. I am surprised that I am hitting my rock bottom this late, I thought I was already way past the most difficult times of grieving, but it seems like it just really started. I really don’t want to hold on to this loss for this long. I want to be free, be happy! I want to have a life without sudden tears and breakdowns, I want to have a life that I am not constantly sighing or fighting with my emotions. But I am not there, yet! I am working on it.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

So what is the new normal for me? It is keeping smiling, even through tears.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

You can read all the Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here.

Life After Loss || The New Normal

Photo credit: Grace Liang/@life_of_a_goldenfeather

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace
http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

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