Tag Archives: Life after Loss

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

When I was young, I never thought about death because it just seemed so far, far away. Then my Dad passed away when I was in my last year of high school. This year my husband passed away. These deaths of my loved ones were like a wake up call, and have certainly changed and shaped my life in many different ways, but today I want to talk about my own near death experience.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

No, I am not dying, at least not to my knowledge, but I almost died one month ago.

The day after I came back from Paris, it was about 90 degrees and my pool was all fixed up and looking amazing. The solo trip had given me so much confidence and I felt that there was nothing I could not handle. So, I went swimming by myself. I don’t really know how to swim. I know the basic strokes, but I had to put my head under the water, holding my breath to swim. As you can imagine, at some point I need to stand up and poke my head out of the water to breathe.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

My late husband bought me a few diving toys to help me practice so I threw them into the shallow end of the pool, just like we used to do. The water was a little chilly, but felt pretty good. I did a little bit of a warm up and then swam from the shallow end to the deep end (it is about 8 or 9 feet deep in the deep end). I can open my eyes when swimming no problem, so I grabbed the edge of the deep end to stop myself and then poked my head out to breathe.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

I was a little bit out of breathe, but I was feeling quite good. After a short break, I swam back to the shallow end. By that time, all the diving toys were slowly moving to the deep end, and I knew there was no way I could dive that deep to get them out. So, I dove to the middle section of the pool to rescue them before they went too far. I picked up one and then tried to pick up the second one. I suddenly lost my balance and felt as I was pulled into the deeper end.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

I am only 5 feet tall, so I was completely under the water. I saw a beautiful blue sky and the air bubbles from my mouth through a few feet of water above me. I needed to land somewhere so I could position myself to start the strokes. So I stopped panicking, struggling, and moving and just stayed still. My toes felt the bottom of the pool, but it was not enough to kick myself up and poke my head out of the water. My legs and arms were moving very fast, but I was going no where. “This is not a joke, not a dream, I may die today in my own backyard.” This thought so vividly went through to my mind.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

I continued struggling under the water. Somehow I turned my head and I saw 3 small stairs on the wall. I suddenly remembered them there for the diving board that used to be on the pool, but it was still quite far from me. I used all my strength to paddle and finally after a while I reached the lowest step. When I finally poked my head out of the water, I realized how good it felt to be able to breath again.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

After a hot shower, I felt better. When I was drying myself, I patted my belly and said “I almost lost you today. I need to take care of you better from now on.” That was the true awakening moment for me. Of course, along the way of losing loved ones I already knew what I should do, but I was so focused on the finish line that I failed to find the joy in the journey. Since that next day, I have been cooking myself healthy meals everyday. I make sure to eat 3 meals a day and don’t stay up late. I even started my gym journey to get more healthy. I also spent more time with family and friends. I even discovered that I REALY love people. Lol. I love talking to others, even strangers and listening to their stories.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

So, what has death taught me? I think I finally understand how to live in the present and simply enjoy what I have at this moment in my life – a sunny day, my beautiful gardens, a beautiful song, good food, good company and a good time. You may ask, what about your fashion dreams? I do enjoy my blogging, but I am not going to kill my health anymore like I always do to chase after it, because life showed me, every breath could be my last one.

Life After Loss What Death Has Taught Me

Photos credited: Grace Liang/Yun Bai

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to get to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace

http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

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Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

If you have read the ABOUT ME on my blog, you may know that I was born and raised in China, and I struggled with poverty and family abuse for many years. I wanted a home so bad when I was younger, but I never really had one to go back to or get support from. I had many super lonely and insecure years when I was in my 20s. It wasn’t until I married my late husband that I slowly experienced what a home is. His unconditional love helped me finally feel safe, relaxed and happy.

Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

My Dad was the only one who cared about me a little bit when I was young. It was two months before my high school graduation that my dad passed away. I was in a boarding school so we were only allowed to go home once a month. The last year of his life I barely spent any time with him. I didn’t even get a chance to see him when he passed away. When I got home, he was already in the coffin. I often dreamt about him. He always walked away and I would chase him, asking him why he didn’t go home anymore… but he just kept walking away and I was crying when I woke up.

Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

After I met my man, no matter how deep he was sleeping, he always came to me and held me in his arms while patting me on my back. After my husband passed away I would often have dreams with him. Several days before the 6 month mark of my husband’s death, I dreamed of him again. He had come to my dreams a few times and it always had been quite light hearted. We were even still joking in my dreams and I smiled and then woke up. This time it was a real difficult one. In my dream he was dying. At the last moment, I was holding his hand and he used his last breath to mumble “I love you”. I woke up with tears all over my face. It was about 2 am and I just sat in my bed crying and crying. This time, he was not here to hold me, instead, he was the one who made me cry.

Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

The next day, I texted my best friend and told her that I should not be alone on the 6 month mark. She replied “I am here for you and that day is yours”. So this past Tuesday we went for some shopping therapy, had a nice dinner and spent some lovely time on her back patio with a fire and wine. Of course I cried again, but most of the time I was grateful. That morning when I opened the windows at home, the air was very crisp, my garden was full of flowers, and the sky was so blue. I just spoke aloud “Thank you man, for giving me this beautiful home.”

Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

My heart had never found a home until I met my man. I always believed that home is where he is. But now I suddenly realized, I can be my own home. I told him many times before he passed away that there was no way I could live without him. Now, a half year later I am still living, pretty well, without him. It is not because I have moved on. No, I just moved forward. He had planted the seed of life. The last 10 years somehow he had trained me well with the abilities to just simply enjoy being alive.

Life After Loss the 6 Month Mark

Photos credited: Grace Liang/@aprilwashereblog

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to get to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace

http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

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