Life After Loss – It’s Okay Not To Be Okay
A few days ago when I was talking to a new friend about my Hawaii trip, she suddenly asked me “Were you scared of traveling alone?” I paused and answered “Of course I was.” I was surprised by the question. This conversation made me realize that I need to show you the whole story, the not just the brave and pretty parts.
I never intended to be brave, or to be an inspiration. Really, I would rather be someone who still has loving parents and a loving spouse, but it seems like I am out of luck in that department. Life just keeps testing me and I am just trying to survive. I’m often scared, sad, angry, confused and crying, just like everybody else who is going through the grieving process.
I purposely block out the last week of my husband’s life from my memory. It is just too painful to think about at this moment. Someday, I will revisit those dark days when I feel I am ready. I often cry and talk to my husband’s ashes. I lay my head on his ashes box and feel like that is his warm chest. I was crying 4 days in a row when I was cleaning up my husband’s car and traded it in. I even couldn’t help but cry at the dealership. I’m pretty sure I thoroughly scared the sales guy. 😉
Then the night before my Hawaii trip, I was crying for more than half an hour. I was scared about the trip because I have never traveled alone in this country by myself. I was also very sad that he always wanted to show me Hawaii, but now it is just me. Like you have read in my previous posts, I had a very tough first 3 days of this trip and of course I cried a lot again.
The day I was back home, I opened a package I received from my family. I was crying instantly again. It was an amazing painting of my man. The painting looks so real and his facial expression just so lively, it’s like he is there looking at me. I am crying even right now when I am typing this post.
I think you have seen millions of times I use “cry” in this post. Okay, a million might be an exaggeration, but it’s in here a lot. My point is, it is okay not to be okay for a while. It’s okay for a while that this is the new normal for me after my husband passed away. I am scared, I struggle, I cry quite often. I give myself permission to sometimes not be okay, or even cry in public if I need to. I don’t think crying is a sign of weakness, it is a way of surviving for me, just like you sweat when you’re running, I sometimes cry just to survive. I am crying because I need to let it all out and so I will have the ability to move forward.
Let’s use Jessie J’s song finish this post:
It’s okay not to be okay.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
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Photo credits: Ashley Buck.
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