Life After Loss Finding New Balance in My Life
A few days ago, one of my students told me that she doesn’t like math class because she is not good at it. It suddenly speaks to me. There are a lot of times that we don’t like something, not because it is not interesting, but simply because we are not good at it.
This sentiment totally corresponds with where I am regarding dating, both in person and online. I know many of you are curious about this topic. I can honestly tell you, there is nothing going on currently. There is nothing happening. I just simply opened the door for the possibility of dating, but I really suck at it.
I thought since I had a wonderful relationship with my late husband, I will know how to date. It’ll be super easy!! This theory is SO NOT TRUE. I don’t know how to flirt, especially online. I also don’t know how to play dating games. I felt horrible about myself after I read many articles about WHAT NOT TO DO when you are starting to online date. So currently, I am taking a break until I learn more and feel more comfortable.
On another note, my grieving process is still not done. This past Saturday was my father-in-law’s 95th birthday party. Both on the way to the party and back home I was crying. My late husband was the youngest of four siblings. All of them call him the baby brother. He used to say that he had great genes from his family because everyone is quite healthy and living a long life. This great gene was the last piece of hope we counted on after we found out he had a very rare type of cancer. Now everyone was here to celebrate Dad’s 95 year birthday, except for his youngest child.
That night, I went to meet a photographer friend for an upcoming photoshoot. He mentioned how much he wished he could do something to save his family member who is dying from cancer. My eyes instantly started watering. I was trying very hard to not cry, especially in public, but it made me realize again these types of moments will never stop. Something will just suddenly trigger those thoughts and make me sad when I least expect it.
I don’t mind being sad or tired, but I really don’t like the feeling of not being at peace. The dating tryout had brought out so many emotions and doubts for me. So after taking a short break, I found a new balance in my life. It is time for me to really shake things up with my blogging and hopefully I can make it into a full time job soon!
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Photo credit: Grace Liang/Siham
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