If you are new to my blog, read this post “Life After Loss—Full Time Blogging” to catch up on my big life changing decision. 😉 Anyway, the last few days at work last week were quite emotional for me, my students and my co-workers. I received many hugs, sweet gifts and invites to come back to my student’s graduation ceremonies. Many of my students kept asking me “Are you pulling a prank on us and at the last second you’re going to tell us that it is just a joke?” It just broke my heart. There were so many kids crying on my shoulder and asking me to stay. I felt I was a very cruel person to let them down. There were many kids that told me that I am their favorite teacher. The one who is always chill, caring and kind. Some of them told me that I have the best balance of nice and strict. Some kids I have never taught even came to me to tell me that they will miss me because I have had a very positive impact on them…
The last class finished, and I was cleaning up my classroom, I left everything exactly the same for the new teacher, and for my kids to feel this is still their home. The only thing I took home is my school logo mug and all the letters and signs that my kids made for me. When I was tidying up the room for the last time, I suddenly felt sad. This is real. This will not be my room anymore, I will not be here with my sweet students anymore. Then the last school day, after millions of hugs and comforting many teary eyed students, saying good-bye to my awesome co-workers, I was very emotionally drained. When I got home, I felt very blue. I have been waiting for this day for 3 years so that I can finally live in my dreams as a full time blogger, but saying good-bye to a beloved place and people has become very difficult for me.
I put on my headphones and turned on Pandora on my phone. I needed some music therapy, either to calm me down or let my emotions out. Either way, I knew I would feel better afterwards. All the grieving practice this year has made me understand myself more and I’ve learned I need to give attention to the sadness, hurt, and other uncomfortable feelings, so later I will be more able (and likely) to feel the happiness and joy when it comes to me. I was singing along with some random songs and just let my tears run out freely. Then suddenly a very familiar song started. It was “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”. This was a favorite song between my late husband and me. This song has become a sign of him trying to comfort me many times since he passed away. You can read this post “Life After Loss – The First Time Traveling Alone” to see how this song has helped me through some difficult times.
Listening to this song, I was crying even more and wished he was here with me to comfort me and also to celebrate this moment as a big step toward me creating my life long dream. Then I calmed down. Yes, he would be very happy and proud of me because this was one of his dying wishes, too. He told me a few days before he passed away “Never give up on your fashion dreams. You have it.”
It may sound very weird, but recently I started to realize that losing my husband was not just a total disaster for me. It also has become a great opportunity for me to rediscover myself. Now I know, I am the sun of my own world and I have the ability to light up my own life, but also to light up others.
I lost the love of my life this year, but I have received so much love from many people. It is not the same type of love, but they all make me feel fulfilled and valued. Most importantly, I gained the greatest love from within myself. With this self-love and confidence, I know I am ready to embrace more changes and create my new life.
Photo credit: Grace Liang/ @Inspiremyfancy
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