Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

I have not been this emotional and crying non-stop for hours for quite a while. Maybe because I have been very steady, happy and calm, I thought I was doing pretty well with my grieving journey. Till now. I started the process of cleaning out my late husband’s stuff, and I broke down over and over again.

Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

If you have been following me for some time, you probably already know that I like to push through my emotions. It is fast approaching the one year anniversary of my late husbands death. I set my goal to move forward even more by removing him visually from my life. The reason is that I have been relying on him too much. I smile at his photos everyday, talk to his ashes very often, and I hold his stuff. Our house has been the same since he passed away last January. I figured it is time to push myself harder and jump up to achieve a higher level of grieving.

Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

I started with our bedroom, in the beginning I was fine. Then slowly, the sadness crept in. When I am blue, I like to put on my headphones and let music accompany me. I was going through drawer after drawer, the music somehow was all about lost love. My tears were all over my face but I kept moving through. I am strong, I can do it! I kept telling myself.

Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

When I took out his sleeping clothes from his nightstand, I cried so much I almost couldn’t breath. Then I saw myself in the mirror, unconsciously holding his sleeping clothing tightly to my chest. My goal was to clean up everything in order to not hold on to him, but I was heart broken when I tried to put the sleeping clothes into the trash bag. Then suddenly the music caught my attention “Don’t let me go, don’t let me go”. I was kneeling on the floor and wailing. At the end, I broke my rules and kept his sleeping clothes, also his eye glasses. Yes, I am a fool by saying I am ready to move on. Now I know, I am only partly ready. It is hard to admit my failure of judgment on where I am emotionally. But I am glad that I realized, admitted and accepted.

Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

So now, all I need to do is adjust my goals and directions. Before this realization, I thought in 2018 I may establish a new relationship because I have been doing so well. Now I know, I really need to slow down, maybe I am just not there yet since I had such a hard time cleaning up my man’s stuff. For the most part, I am doing very well. But when it comes to letting others into my life, it seems I have some issues. Now I know, on this grieving road I have to completely finish it all by myself. There is no short cut, others company only interferes with the process and causes me more depression. I can’t tell you how long it will take me to get there. But I will listen to my heart and keep pushing through. I am still planning to find my true love again someday. But I need to give full closure of this one with my man first.

Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

You can read all the Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here.

Life After Loss||Admitting Failure and Adjusting Directions

Photo credit: Grace Liang/Ashley Buck

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  1. Grace, you have once again moved me to tears, my friend. I am so glad though that you are realizing where you are in the process of grief and slowing yourself down a bit. Every person mourns in their own way and on their own timeline. I can’t say when you will reach a point of complete healing…but I can say that you will get there…if you are just patient with yourself and allow the process to continue. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known and your light shines so brightly that nothing will extinguish that even in your moments of darkness. Sending lots of love to you, my friend.


  2. Grace, I was holding back tears when I read your post. My heart really goes out to you in this difficult time. You are a strong woman to be able to pick up the pieces and try to move on. I honestly wish I could climb through my monitor and hug you. Thank you for being so brave to share your grieving process with us.

  3. Megan

    Thank you for sharing your grief. I lost my Dad in July and I have through a whirlwind of emotions. Just when I think I’m good and ready to take a step forward, I get pulled down again with crippling sadness and most recently, anger.

  4. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to have go through this stage Grace, it must be heartbreaking. My mother-in-law still has her late husband’s watch and loose change on the bedside table after more than 10 years. You just have to take it at your own pace, there’s no need to rush. You will know when the time is right. Sending you lots of love.

    Emma xxx

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