Last weekend I went to our family dinner at my brother-in-law’s home. On the way back, I purposely got lost.
My late husband knew I like scenery routes, so he was always very clever about what roads to pick. Besides, he seemed to have a builtin GPS in his head and he knew just about every little back roads everywhere. But not me, I am the typical bad driver who will instantly get lost without my GPS. 😉 Anyway, I remember he used to take a very pretty route near Orchid Lake to show me the lakes and beautiful houses. So my mission was to purposely ignore my GPS and trying to find that route.
It felt pretty good that I am learning to not listen to the directions, and felt even better that such an uptight person like me, can be this spontaneous. My thoughts at that moment was very simply, I had almost full tank of gas and a few hours to spear, why don’t do something to make myself happy, right? I have no one is waiting for me at home and no pets to feed.
I am alone, but I am not lonely. Well, at least 95% of the time I am not Lonely. It was wonderful living with my man. But I know, it is just a habit. Giving me enough time, I can break it and recreate a new habit of living by myself. After 16 months practice, I am doing pretty well now. I noticed, these past few months have been the golden period of self-growth for me.
Living alone gives me plenty of time to explore what makes me happy, and what makes me sad. Recently I have been training myself to be an observer of my own emotions. Because I have experienced more and more depressed thoughts, so I need a new way to handle it. Since I was learning this new gig, I realized that I rarely fight with my emotions anymore, neither ignore or let it take over. I just watch my emotions comes and goes, and I understand it is teaching me something. There is no need to be mad, or panic. It will pass. In fact, there are a lot of times when I switched to the observer mode, those emotions just disappeared.
Before my man passed away, I thought living alone was impossible. Right after he was gone, I was eating and living for him to honor his wish. Then slowly, I started to live for myself. Now, I enjoy living alone. I just ordered some new outdoor furnitures and plan to host several pool parties this summer. I also plan to redo my kitchen this year. My goal is to grow more and get myself ready to an even happier stage of my life. I will enjoy everyday no matter if I am alone or with someone I love in the future. It is just simply because life is beautiful and it deserves to be celebrated!
Photo credit: Grace Liang
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