Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

Being the Best of Me || Seeing the Brutal Truth of Myself

I have struggled my entire life to believe that I am enough. To believe I am good enough, smart enough, brave enough or beautiful enough. Childhood damage is far stronger than I could imagine. I thought this past year I had made huge progress on self-empowerment and making peace with the past. I didn’t know that there are still so many emotions of mine.

Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

If you have followed me for a while, you already know that I am trying to become a public speaker. So I can share my stories with more people, and encourage others to give their dream a chance. I have worked on my presentation for a while. The whole idea was to go back to where I was and take my audience to where I am now. Since day one, I started going back to those memories. I felt angry, shame, helpless and confused. It made me realize that those emotions are still there. Only my surface emotions got cleaned up.

Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

I presented a PowerPoint to my mentor and another friend a few days ago. While telling my stories, I was uncomfortable. Somehow, I felt shame. I felt horrible thoughts of not being good enough so my mom did not want me. And that is the same reason my ex-boyfriend abused me. Of course, I know that was not the truth, but I had a hard time removing those thoughts from my head at that moment. When my mentor and my friend gave me feedback, I couldn’t help but feel offended. I was a paid public speaker while in China and quite proud of what I had achieved. But there I felt not good enough, again.

Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

I tried controlling my emotions. No matter how much I tried, my intense body language and facial expressions still sold me away. I was quite shocked at myself, too. After all the hardships that I had been through, what could make me feel self-doubt again? But, as it turned out, I still can’t take any criticism. Now I understand why I always work so hard and often become an overachiever. It was because I thought, this way, people will give me less criticism. Now I can see how underneath this overachiever is a person still hurting from childhood damages… a person struggling with their identity and self-worth.

Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

It was good to see the brutal facts about myself. Those few hours of presenting, I struggled with my emotions. Trying to hold it together, and get the task at hand done. It was not pretty at all, feeling torn apart by all the criticism. But, I was actually getting torn apart by my insecurity. My mentor and my friend were very nice to me, but all I could feel at that moment was the shame… a feeling of not being good enough. Now, I am feeling bad about making such a scene while they were trying to help me out.

Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

At this moment, I am glad that I saw this brutal truth about myself. Also, understanding that I have a long way to go to reach full recovery from my childhood damage. Without fixing it, or accepting it, my confidence will be only on the surface level.

Being The Best Of Me || Seeing The Ugly Truth of Myself

You can read all the Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here and Being the Best of Me here.

Photo credit: Grace Liang/@anstam

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Grace

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6 thoughts on “Being the Best of Me || Seeing the Brutal Truth of Myself”

  1. A very interesting post Grace! I am also speaking in public but with the huge difference that I don’t talk about myself; it’s all about work and topics related to it. So the difference is huge. I was motivated to do it because I’m a shy person … I probably did not suffer like you did in your childhood but it’s not simple to get away from those wounds … it takes time but not only … I’d say … be yourself, true, honest … there will always be criticism because sadly human nature is like that but you will learn how not to care about those … and to focus only on you and positive things. Have a great weekend xx

    https://4highheelsfans.wordpress.com/2018/07/13/a-quiet-week/

  2. The woman who wrote this simply must be on her way to becoming her best. I applaud your willingness to delve beneath the surface, to confront what hurts. It’s by examining these issues that we heal. Brava!

  3. Grace, it is always hard to take criticism especially from those closest to us…but like you said, the value is in realizing what your reaction to it meant. And now you just grow from there. And you will continue to grow and evolve because you are in tune with your feelings and you are willing to accept the sole responsibility for them. There is no shame in any of it. It is just really hard work but you are doing the work and will be so much better for it! You just keep inspiring me with each and every real, honest, genuine, and raw post that you share. Thank you!

    Shelbee
    http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com

  4. What a great post:) I don’t know how many people out there would allow themselves to accept a brutal truth in thought, let alone share it on a public platform. You should definitely applaud yourself for that!
    I’m not sure if anyone (who isn’t dealing with gradiosity) would ever feel good enough, smart enough, brave enough or beautiful enough. I come from the same cultural background, am around the same age, have some of the same life experiences as you. I know I will never feel 100% in those areas; however, I feel secure in my insecurities hahahhaa!
    You are good enough (you stole the heart of an amazing man and have great friends!), smart enough (look at all your accomplishments!), brave enough (you moved to an entirely different country and left a life you know to start a brand new adventure!), beautiful enough (well, look at you! You are so beautiful and have great style!).
    You have to give credit to your loving heart, caring personality, generosity, positivity, etc. Even if you feel like you lack in certain areas, you have so much more than you realize!

  5. After reading,I’m sure you will be my goddess.You can guide others and give others a lot of love and positive aspects.We need you.The world is special because of your existence.

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