A few nights ago I was on my way home from an event. I followed the GPS on my car, but it was not updated so It didn’t know anything about the freeway closure. I ended up in Detroit somewhere in the dark night. It made me a little bit nervous to stop at a gas station and fired up my google map on my phone. Finally, I was on the right freeway.
It was quite late and I was very tired. Suddenly I heard some huge engine roaring right behind me. Before I reacted, I saw the car right next to me on the slow line almost tip over when it was trying to avoid getting hit by the Dodge Challenger between us. The Dodge Challenger just pushed that car to the side of the road and cut in front of me, then gone! I was like “What the heck?!” Then the second Dodge Challenger did the same thing on my left and the third came in front me on my right. It was just like a car chasing scene in the Hollywood movies. Luckily there were no car crashes.
I suddenly wanted to tell this to someone, just like that day I almost drowned in my pool, or that day I signed the biggest contract with a sponsor. But I don’t really have someone that I feel comfortable to text or call during the late night. There was only one person that I know had always loved to hear from me, no matter how late, no matter how busy he was and what country he was in. That person was my late husband. At that moment, I felt lonely.
Being alone is not the cause of lonely. I remember when I was young, I often felt lonely especially when I was in the most crowded places. I have felt total loneliness when I was in some not so great relationships too. So feeling lonely has nothing to do with if I am with someone, or if I have a lot of friends. Lonely is the lacking of connection. Most people think the connection with the loved ones. like me now, the lacking of connection with my late husband.
But till recent, I figured it out that the connection is not with someone or something. It is with myself. It is for sure when I hang out with someone who really understands me, adores me and knows how to make me laugh, can totally reduce the level of my loneliness. But there is no one, even my soul mate couldn’t cure it. If the loneliness is depending on others, then I have a 50% chance to get disappointed. Because I can’t control what others do. I can’t make her/him think just like me. When their value or behaviors are not aligned with mine, I will feel not being understood, not being cared for or loved, so I will be feeling lonely.
The only one I can truly control is me. The truth of loneliness is the lacking of connection with myself, with my soul. I love learning about myself, discovering something new about myself and sometimes, amazed at myself too. Lol, so I am going to be my own best friend first and enjoy the inner conversation with myself. I am not going to depend on others to love me, support me, or forgive me. Because someday when they stopped, I will be sad and lonely. I will give myself unconditional love, treat every inhale as a new beginning and every exhale as let go. life can take everything from me, just like they took away my late husband. But it can’t take my mind away. Change my mindset, change my life!
Photo credit: Grace Liang/@anstam
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