A few nights ago, I was on my way home from an event. I followed my car’s GPS, but it was not updated so It didn’t know anything about the freeway closure. I ended up in Detroit, somewhere in the dark of night. It made me a little nervous to stop at a gas station and fire up my Google Maps app on my phone. Finally, I was on the right freeway.
It was quite late, and I was very tired. Suddenly, I heard some huge engine roaring right behind me. Before I reacted, I saw the car near me almost tip over. It was trying to avoid getting hit by the Dodge Challenger between us. The Dodge Challenger just pushed that car to the side of the road and cut in front of me, then gone! I was like, “What the heck?!” Then a second Dodge Challenger did the same thing on my left, and a third came in front of me from my right. It was just like a car chasing scene in Hollywood movies. Luckily there were no car crashes.
I suddenly wanted to tell this to someone, just like the day I almost drowned in my pool, or just like the day I signed the biggest contract with a sponsor. But, I don’t really have someone who I feel comfortable to text or call late at night. There was only one person that I know always loved to hear from me. No matter how late, no matter how busy he was, and what country he was in. That person was my late husband. At that moment, I felt lonely.
Being alone is not the cause of loneliness. I remember being younger and feeling lonely in the most crowded places especially. I have felt total loneliness when in some not-so-good relationships, too. So feeling lonely has nothing to do with whether I’m with someone, or if I have a lot of friends. Feeling lonely is lacking connection. Most people think of their connection with loved ones. Like me now, with the lacking of connection with my late husband.
But until recently, I figured out that the connection is not with someone or something. It’s with myself. When I hang out with someone who really understands me, adores me, and knows how to make me laugh, my level of loneliness totally reduced. But there is no one, not even my soul mate, who can cure it. If loneliness is depending on others, then I have a 50% chance of getting disappointed. Because I can’t control what others do. I can’t make him/her think just like me. When their values or behaviors aren’t aligned with mine, I’ll feel like I’m not being understood, cared for, or loved… so, I’ll feel lonely.
The only one I can truly control is me. The truth of loneliness is the lacking of connection with myself, with my soul. I love learning about myself, discovering something new about myself, and sometimes I’m amazed by myself too. LOL, so I’m going to be my own best friend first and enjoy the inner conversation with myself. I’m not going to depend on others to love me, support me, or forgive me. Because someday when they stop, I’ll be sad and lonely. I’ll give myself unconditional love, treat every inhale as a new beginning and every exhale as letting go. Life can take everything from me, just like it took away my late husband. But, it can’t take my mind away. Change my mindset, change my life!
Photo credit: Grace Liang/@anstam
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