Two weeks ago during a meditation program called Tree of Life in Train the Trainer with Jack Canfield, I finally broke through and felt the major healing from my abusive childhood.
My parents had an arranged marriage. They hated each other but still chose to stick together after daily fights. We were super poor with a dirt floor, straw roof and there wasn’t running water, indoor toilet or electricity. Above suffering from poverty, I had been claimeed as worthless by my mom. According to her, no one will love me since I am so ugly and have a very bad personality. According to her, I am lazy, bad behaved and useless. She told me to shut up when I sang because my voice was so painful to her ears. She laughed at my goals and said that the only thing I am good at is day dreaming. She yelled at me for embarrassing her because my boobs were too big.
When I was about 7 years old, I started to realize that my mom will not love me that much no matter how hard I try.
It was lunch time on a summer day. My mom sent me out to play. I was very happy because she usually made me work around the house. I stopped at a couple friends house but no one could hangout at that moment. So I returned home. Before entering the front door, I felt like needed to use the outhouse behind our little mud house. When I walked by the back window, I saw something that suddenly broke my heart. My mom was handing over a hard boiled egg to my older brother. When she noticed me standing there, she was trying to hide that egg. I suddenly understood why she let me go play. she only had one egg and she wanted to give it to my older brother.
Things like that had happened many times. My mom believed boys are more important than girls and my older brother was so much more loved than I was.
After many years of self-education on how to heal, and talking to family/friends after I turned 40 years old, I began to understand why my mom acted the way she did. She did what she thought was right, or was OK. She was raised up that way and she didn’t know any better. I realized I was broken because I was raised by someone who was broken. She hurt me because of her pain. I also realized it wasn’t my fault that I didn’t get her love. She had issues and just used me to ‘deal; instead of actually dealing with her own issues.
I pity her because she has never really experienced true love and her whole life has been a struggle. But I had a hard time to forgive her. There were many women in similar situations, and they didn’t turn around to hurt their daughters. That’s purely her choice. Then about two months ago during the yoga class I finally forgave her. You can read here for how.
During training with Jack Canfield two weeks ago, I realized that I had a limited belief like I don’t think I am good enough to conquer some giant goals. I still had resentment towards my mom so I took a few RIM sessions. RIM® (Regenerating Images in Memory) is an extremely quick and effective body-centered technique that frees people’s negative thoughts, feelings and memories. During those seasons, I was crying like a baby when I revisited those painful memories when I was little. I found the roots that caused the limiting belief but I still didn’t know how to remove those blocks.
Then on training Day 5, we did a new meditation and Jack took us to many places I have never thought I could. I saw the Mother of Earth in my own head and she showed me the unconditional love that a mother gives to her beloved child. Before I left, she told me to come visit any time when I need her. That was the moment I finally freed myself, and forgave my mom. I came to a conclusion that the mother figure I have been longing for my whole life, the longing of true safety, security and being loved has always been inside of my heart. A great mom is the real human figure of the Mother of Earth who came to your life to activate the love within you. Without this human figure, the unconditional love is still inside of me and I finally found the way to activate it completely by myself! I am not homeless any more!! This unconditional love has been there since I was born and it will be with me forever. When I need it, I just go back to it. It’s my own self-love!
This is how I take 100% responsibility for my life to heal myself, to love myself unconditionally! I finally fully activated the love generator inside of me. I will no longer wait on someone like my mom to love me, I love myself and that’s my life long responsibility. I will not be disappointed or hurt by others, because I don’t need them to make me feel loved and worthy, I AM without a doubt! This love generator within me, not just supplies the self-love for me, but it also helps me give love to more people and a greater cause.
I have never known that I have this powerful source of love within me. Are you ready to heal yourself too?
Photo credit: Grace Liang/@inspiremyfancy
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