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Yesterday, I shared with you some of my HUGE messes that make up the not so pretty portions of my past. During this post, I shared a little bit about my life growing up in poverty in China. If a poor girl like me can heal themselves and live their dream life again, you can too!
Anyway, here is part two of my list of messes.
Along with poverty, I also grew up with an abusive mom who believed girls were worthless and made the choice to give everything she had (including her love) to my older brother. I always wore my brother’s hand-me-downs. My mom often secretly gave my brother better food and/or money for snacks while I often didn’t have enough money to pay for my school lunch. Sometimes, when I was hangry, I would ask for the leftover food from my classmates. When I was in 9th grade, I asked a girl if I could finish her leftovers and felt so embarrassed and sad when she asked me why I didn’t buy my own lunch.
My parents had an arranged marriage. They never loved each other and they disliked one another during the entire time of their marriage. Physical fights between the two of them broke out very often. My mom would end up bleeding and crying while my dad was yelling and breaking dishes or other things. I would often walk on the empty streets because I didn’t want to go home but there was no where else I could really go.
While I was in high school, my dad passed away. The only person in my family who sort of cared about me was gone. I felt completely alone and didn’t know what to do with my life.
My mom would constantly put me down and told me how ugly and useless I was. With all of these emotional wounds, I grew into a young woman with very low self-esteem, who believed that I was not good enough while still longing for the love that I have never experienced.
During college, I entered into a 5 year abusive relationship. All the red flags that other girls would have noticed I saw as normal because they felt so familiar and reminded me of my family. After trying everything I could think of to please my boyfriend in order to stop him from beating me (my mom often yelled at me and asked what I was doing to cause my boyfriend to beat me) and after a few failed suicide attempts, my heart felt totally dead. One night my boyfriend beat me out in the street and forced me to knee on the ground to say sorry to him. I decided that I had enough and I ran away to a totally new city to start my new life.
It took me 5 more years to recover from this abusive relationship. During this time, I fell for a couple of con men. My heart during this time was broken over and over again as was my bank account. What a MESS I was!
After I turned 30 years old, I met my late husband and we had 10 wonderful years of marriage together. In 2017, I became a widow.
It has been a long list of hard times and messes. But now, as a 46 year old woman, I have healed myself from losing my dad, losing my late husband, from my childhood abuse, repaired the relationship with my mom and recently married my best friend and am living a peaceful and joyful life.
If a girl like me can overcome all of these things, you can too! There is nothing that I have that you don’t have. As I have mentioned many times, healing yourself and living your dream life only depends on TWO things.
One, you have the desire, willingness and determination to heal yourself. I don’t have anything special. All I had was the determination that I was willing to learn, to grow and work through my pain.
Two, you have the knowledge and resources to achieve your dream life.
If you have decided that today is the day to turn your life around for the better, here is a FREE but very practical resource to help you. Sign up now to gain access to my FREE 6 part video series here: https://gracefullygrieving.com/general-opt-in
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional!