Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Hi Man,

How are you? What does it feel like living in heaven? Or you already finished your reincarnation and on the way to us? Please give me some signs so I can find you.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

A few weeks ago at a gathering event, someone asked me, “If you could have any super powers, what would you like to have”. I said “To have the power to bring back my late husband.” It was suddenly deadly quiet. I know, I am still the same old same as a party pooper.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

One year ago yesterday, you left us. There were some memories on the last few days of your life, they were just too painful to think about, but I set my goal to revisit them now. Wish me luck, man.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

We were sent to the hospice a few days before you passed away. It was the most devastated moment of my life. There were no treatments, and no hopes left for us. Only death was awaiting. I was shocking, shaking and angry. When we left your patient room, I couldn’t help crying crazily. That hallway to the hospice was the path to your death. Someone, or something was really going to take you away from me, forever, no matter how much I have begged. You were my best friend and my soul mate, how could I live without you?

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

I was holding your hand and crying, you just smiled at me weakly and repeated “I am so sorry, I am so so sorry”. I knew what you meant. You had said it a few times before that day. You felt so bad that you took me here from China and now you could not be able to take care of me anymore. You often said I was cheated because we only got 10 years together.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

The night before you fully entered your coma stage, I was with you. You were rarely opening your eyes, speaking or answering any questions. It was almost midnight and I was ready to go to sleep too. I kissed you on your lips and said “Good night!” Your eyes didn’t even open but you answered “Good night, baby!” Then I said “I love you”, just like we always did before we go to sleep. But there were no answer. “Hey, I said I love you, man!” I continued. You opened your eyes and smiled at me “I love you too.” And those were your final words.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Then, it was the last day. All the families came but you already had no response at all. You were on your way of leaving us behind. Nurses came in and asked everyone to the waiting room so they could wash your body and change the sheets. I asked the nurse to give me a few minutes and asked others to just leave us alone. I was holding your hand and kissed on your lips. Then I whispered to your ear, “Don’t worry about me. I will take care of myself. If you need to leave, just leave. I am not mad at you and I love you so ,so much! You are the best husband and I am very lucky that married you!” There were no responds but I noticed your breathing was slowing down. I was not sure at that moment if I saw it right. I stepped out and only a couple of minutes later nurse called me in and the doctor confirmed that you were gone.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

I thought I was fully prepared about your death. But when that moment came, I just lost it. The only thing I said was “Man, how can you do this do me?” Sorry man, I should be more strong and let you leave without any hesitation.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

It has been a year after you were gone, and yes, I am living without you. Just like you often said, “You are a very strong person and you will be just fine.” I couldn’t use fine to describe this first year without you, but I have followed through my promise to you to take care of myself. I went to see psychologist when I need help. I eat, sleep well and I am still following my fashion dreams as you wished. I even quit my teaching job and now full-time blogging.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Before, it was always you to remind me how much I have achieved when I was doubting myself. Now finally I learned to tell myself the same. You often said there was no regret of your life because you have nice kids, loved what you do, traveled around the world and married me. Now I feel I could say the same if someday when I die. I am not afraid of death anymore. If I die, I will see you and that is a good news. If I live, I would live like I mean it and enjoy every moment. You see, there are no downsides for me. 😉

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Man, thank you so much for showing me what true love looked like and how to really live. You and our marriage have shaped me to who I am today. I noticed your influence on the way of how I think and how I act. I see you in my heart, I heard you when I talk and I smile when I think about you.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Good-bye man. Love you forever!

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

You can read all the Life After Loss series here and Living with Cancer series here.

Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary

Photo credit: Grace Liang/Ashley Buck

Thank you for reading, and if you like what you read, please comment below or share it with your friends. Don’t forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter for new post updates, and follow me on Instagram for all the amazing fashion, beauty and life style products that I will share with you. Of course, don’t forget to check out my Instagram stories daily to know me better as a person. Finally, don’t forget to follow me on YouTube for my fashion, beauty and life style videos. Have a great day and see you soon!

|TODAY’S LINKUP PARTY:|


Grace
http://colorandgrace.com occasionally receives vendor/ brand sponsorships for mentioning their products and services.

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11 thoughts on “Life After Loss || A Letter To My Late Husband On The One Year Anniversary”

  1. You always write so beautifully about your experiences. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sure that this is a hard day for you. I love reading your blog and I am inspired by your strength.

  2. Grace, my thoughts and prayers are with you today as they have been all year. I could only read a few paragraphs of your beautiful tribute/letter to your husband and then I was crying so hard that I couldn’t read on. I cannot even imagine this type of loss. You are so strong and courageous for being able to share this. Thank you for that. You are touching hearts and lives.

    Hugs to you, my friend.
    Shelbee
    http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com

  3. Grace,

    I came upon your blog in my feed, and clicked into this post. I could feel the emotions in this. I’m sure someone going through something similar will find some solace in this post.

    You are so strong, having been through the experiences you have gone through in life.

    谢谢你,跟我们分享你的经历。

  4. I felt like I was in the same room with you and your husband as I read your post. I felt pain and the helplessness. This is a very difficult time for you and there’s nothing I can say to make it easier. All I can do is tell you that your marriage and love for each other is one of a kind. You have shared many happy and many difficult moments and with each experience it has given you the strength and will to keep moving forward just as your husband would have wanted you to. You are a strong woman Grace. You are doing a great thing. Hang in there and sending you my love and biggest hug! 🤗

    Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com

  5. Grace you are so brave for re-living this and sharing it with us. It is inspiring to see how strong someone can be and how deep and beautiful love is.

  6. What a beautiful post and tribute. I am so sorry for your loss, But so happy for you to have had a loving marriage that continues to shape the wonderful (and fashionable) woman you are. Many blessing and continued healing.

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