Life After Loss – Learning to Live Alone
Before my husband passed away, I broke down many times because I highly doubted that I could live without him. He was my soul mate, my best friend and he was my everything, literally. He was my driver because driving makes me very nervous. He was my cook because with a full time job and almost full time blogging, I barely had time to eat. He was the bag carrier when I was shopping and he did the laundry, vacuumed the house, did the grocery shopping…He did just about everything so I could focus on my job and my dream.
Yes, I was very lucky and I was so spoiled! But the result was I am almost handicapped when it comes to basic life skills. After my man passed away, I had to learn how to fill up my gas tank because he had always taken care of it. I learned how to order food and use a drive through. I even learned how to write a check. After two weeks of the recycling guys refusing to take mine, I learned how to properly break down boxes and separate the paper from the plastics.
I know, it sounds ridiculous but it was the reality for me the last 3 months. I am a fast learner and now everything is under control. 🙂 I cook myself a very health breakfast every morning. I pack healthy snacks for myself everyday. I drive everywhere by myself with my GPS. I pay bills on time and have never run out of gas. 😉 I went to Hawaii by myself and now just booked a Paris trip. I learned how to deal with the pool repair people, the roof people, the lawn people, the plumber…I am pretty proud with the results of my bargaining skills. The roof people saw my shoe collection, so it made it pretty hard, but I won. 😉
I am very lucky that my step-daughter and her fiancé visit me almost every weekend. They have done so much for me, everything from cooking delicious dinners, pulling the weeds in my stubborn backyard, taking my blog photos, proofreading my posts, driving me to some fashion events, to helping me understand financial or medical files. They even changed out my kitchen faucet (I discovered my step-daughter gets the same language as my husband when things don’t go right, it must run in the family 😉 )…But I know, they have their own life and I need to learn more how to handle everything by myself.
All the physical things are easy to learn and to adapt to. The hardest part is the absence of my husbands love and his companionship. It took me a long time to get used to eating alone. I still hate it, but I am doing it. My husband and I used to talk a lot about everything. It seemed we always had so much to talk and giggle about. But now I don’t have him to share with my day and my feelings with. So I talk to family and friends more often. Sometimes I talk to myself too… hey, sometimes I just need an experts advice (or so my husband used to say) 😉 It is hard after a long working day walking in to an empty house (I am not ready for a pet yet. I know what you are thinking. My two granddogs visit every weekend though!) To fix this, the first thing I do when I’m home is turn on my music.
Anyway, it is just the beginning for me learning to live alone. I know I still have a looooong way to go. One step at a time, that is all it takes. I started buying myself flowers. I also cooked more dinners for myself. I can’t wait to redecorate my house during my summer break to change things up a bit. I think I might buy some new stairs from somewhere like Pear Stairs since mine are getting a bit old!! I plan to host some dinner parties again this summer as well. This house used to be a fun house. I’m determined that this tradition will continue. 🙂
Photos credited: Ashley Buck.
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